A fascinating new study by internationally reknowned psychologist, physicist, and historian, Dr E J Trugbild, has revealed personality archetypes which span parallel universes. A Phantom of the Opera fan herself, Dr Trugbild has used these findings to put together a guide to the different types of fan you are liable to encounter when traversing the Phantom world, whether on-line or off. Under each catergory heading Dr Trugbild will describe the archetype, any exceptions to it, and give you advice on how to deal with encounters with the more frightening examples.

Dr Trugbild holds degrees from the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and Stanford. In her spare time she tends to her flourishing ant farm, and she has never visited Yuogoslavia. She tried running with the wolves but was bitten on the ankle when she howled, and had to withdraw.

If you wish to contact the author, please stand in front of your mirror at midnight, turn around three times anti-clockwise, and say "pickled onions."

From the creative and artistic to the scientific and the practical, from the singer to the stalker, from the perfectly sane girl or boy next door to the deranged babbling madperson, from the friendly and welcoming to the stuck-up snot, there are Phantom fans of every type. A fan myelf, I have learnt the practical value in recognizing some of these groups, and I present the following for your practical use and amusement.

The Fan Who Doesn't Know Anything: These people present themselves as Phantom fans, so you strike up a conversation with them. Then you discover that they don't actually know who they've seen in the show, have no idea who Gaston Leroux is, and think the Phantom's disfigurement came from having acid thrown in his face. The best way to treat these people is to intimidate them enormously by telling them how many times you've seen the show, talking about Erik (they won't know who he is, of course), and ask them if they're familiar with the 1960 film version.

The Irritating Teenager: Similar to the above, but genuine fans - for a time. These are the ones which you can tell will abandon Phantom as soon as they're over 18. They have rarely seen the show more than 3 times, and they either drool over whoever they saw, or over Michael Crawford, or both. When they do drool, it's usually ungrammatical in the extreme and involving frightening punctuation. They fill mailing lists with utterly irrelevant posts about how annoying their parents are, how they have read five pages of Leroux so far and they will post more when they've finished it (repeat for every other chapter until in their final post they tell you they think it was really good). If you meet one on the Internet, kill-file it immediately. If you meet it in real life it will almost certainly be with a group of giggling friends and will not bother you.

The Fan Who Knows Everything: They've read the Leroux novel 322 times and have it memorized by heart. They could quote Kay and the show in their sleep, but those of course are lesser versions. They can run off strings of facts and figures about the show whilst standing on their heads, know every cast by heart, and apparently have a personal psychic line into the minds of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Gaston Lerous -- because god help you if you disagree with their expertly informed opinions, and suggest anything that the Great Man isn't known to have said himself. Who are you anyway, but another silly phan who thinks their opinion is worth as much as The Expert's?

The Fan Who Loves One Phantom Only: Very annoying when they clearly worship Michael or Davis or Dave or Peter or Grant or Colm or Ethan far above Phantom itself. They will post about their Chosen One at every opportunity, but never contribute to in-depth discussions. Their Chosen One is perfect in every way. He is the Only Phantom Ever. Even if he's also the Only Phantom they've ever seen, which is all too often the case. (Sometimes they haven't even seen him, just loved him on the Les Mis OLC.) If you don't like their Chosen One, you obviously saw him on a very bad night, just after his cat had got run over by a truck, or you are biased because you expect the Phantom to be able to act. The best way to deal with them is to have their favourite Phantom set up by a tabloid newspaper and photographed in a compromising position with an inanimate object or livestock animal, then sit back and laugh.

The Fan Who Gets Very Very Excited: The most amazing thing happened to them! They were waiting at the stage door and they were the only one there, and then CIARAN!!!!!!!!!!! came out, all on his own, and talked to them for twenty minutes! He was wearing tennis shoes with blue laces and a white T-shirt just like her brothers (which she's now stolen). When he signed her program, he left a big thumb print on it, which she's had transferred to a piece of paper, enlarged by a copy shop, and framed. She has saved the pen he wrote with - it has his sweat on it, after all. It was amazing!!!! These ones are okay really, so you don't need to set a contract killer on them.

The Fan Who Abuses Punctuation All The Time: At least the fan above has some excuse. *This* fan uses a vast excess of asterisks and the like in *every* post!! She often gets *very* excited too, and is *always* *VERY* pleased to read the posts she's replying to. As she is almost immune to sarcasm, you can enjoy yourself by immitating her style in your replies until she *finally* gets the message!!!

The Fan Who Abuses Netspeak And Can't Spell: Like lol lol^^ omg!!! did u guys see that??? i dont know what shift key is for, lmfao!!!!!!!!! u ppl who complayn r just snobs or sumthin, omg!!!

The Squarking Soprano and the Tortured Tenor: Ah, the first of the artistic types. Discussions on singing and technique are often interesting, until the Soprano starts posting. Disagree with her at your peril, because she is a singer and she discussed this very issue with her voice coach last week. Her voice coach has sung at the Met and the Royal Opera House in London, and who are you to argue with that? Next month the Soprano is giving her own recital, at which she has been asked to sing some terribly difficult pieces which require her to work terribly, terribly hard on her placement and tone, and she is wrapping her throat (she doesn't have a neck, only a throat) in hot towels and drinking lemon and honey drinks in preparation.
A "performer" of this type may think they sound like Michael Crawford or Sarah Brightman, although they are disdainful about that. Yet all they have to show for their great talents are a few kareoke contests. Beg him/her to send you a tape of their singing - their vanity will probably make them agree. If s/he's as good as s/he thinks she is, you may have to put up with it. The chances are, s/he won't be. Tell him/her you love their voice so much that you're setting up a fan page on the Web, and fill it with sound clips for everyone else to laugh at too.

The Blathering Ballerina: She has been dancing since the age of 3 and has much in common with the Soprano (above). She could perform the dances in Phantom on one leg with her arms cut off. You may be tempted to assist her in this feat. Thankfully people don't often discuss the dancing in Phantom, so she only pops up on the odd occasion.

The Purple Poetess: Phantom fiction and poetry, like Phantom fans, range from the sublime to the excruciating. The Purple Poetess writes works so excruciating that they become sublime. She is convinced of her genius. Her works are written in a room filled with incense, and she always writes them in ink before typing them up and inflicting them upon you. "The soft and sensuous satin rhythms/Of my secretive Angel's Voice/Fill the room like the pungent odor/Of rotting roses under the autumn's sun" etc. She should be encouraged. Whenever you are feeling down or depressed, reading her "poetry" will soon have you falling out of your chair with laughter.

The Fan Who Writes Bad Fan Fiction: Related to the Purple Poetess (see above), the Fan Who Writes Bad Fan Fiction is sometimes associated with the Irritating Teenager, the Fan Who Gets Very Excited, and the Fan Who Abuses Punctuation (or all of them). This fan either posts his/her fan fiction publicly, or invites/orders people to e-mail her for it (if she can figure out attachments). Characteristic of this fan is the embarrassing demand for comments on her "work," which is usually 75% plot summary (usually repeated, sometimes word-for-word, from published "Phantom" novels), 10% feeble dialogue, and 15% WILD *punctuation*!!!

The Phantom's Best Friend: Quite why they spend so much time hanging around the stage door if they're such a close friend of the Phantom, who can tell? Take it from me, anyone who you meet around the theatre who tells you that they're a really close friend of the Phantom, isn't. Especially not if they write to you in injured tones because you didn't think he was the very epitome of Erikness. Sometimes these people will have got themselves jobs as ushers or made friends with a crew member, and they think this makes them experts on every aspect of the show. They are usually genuinely deranged and do not even know that they are completely inventing the friendship. When the Phantom comes out, chat a bit, and then say in a joking manner, "So, are you two really best friends, or is she just an obsessive nutcase?" The reaction should be interesting.

The Phantom's Phantom Lover: This one is even worse. The Phantom secretly looks at her and winks at her during the show. She once got to visit his dressing room with her friend, and he looked smouldering and shook her hand in a passionate manner. If the friend hadn't been there they would have been rolling around on the carpet together in no time, quite in spite of the fact that he's married with three children and thinks the girl is a bit of a nutcase. She hints to her Phantom penfriends that there's something going on between them, and writes to him at his home address (which she discovered in a nefarious manner). If you *are* one of her Phantom penfriends, send him the letters in which she tells you about their imaginary passions. None of us who are truly having an illicit affair with a Phantom would be stupid enough to tell everyone about it, and if you are, he deserves to know anyway.

The Fan Who Changes Her Name to Christine Daae: Careful here. Look very closely at her eyes. Is there a mad sort of glint? If so, she's probably one of the safe ones. Does she look pretty sane and normal? That's the type you have to be careful with. Treat her with awe and respect, and you should be safe. Disagree with her or try to patronize her in any way, and she turns into a purple monster with a foaming mouth and bites your head off with massive, glistening teeth. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Fan Who Thinks He/She Has Been in the Show: Doesn't exist anywhere but Its own mind. The individual will find himself or herself helpless to resist the temptation of telling tales of his/her history in the part, even when disproven publicly or otherwise shown to be a fool. For some reason yet to be determined--and here I recommend further analysis--this identity confusion usually comes paired with serious gender confusion as well. Exposing fan for a fraud is usually easy, but they always have one or two brainwashed followers who will treasure their autograph no matter what.

The Fan Club President and Personal Assistant to Erik: Not all fan club presidents are like this. Some are sane, some are safe, some are even nice. However, there is a certain breed who feel that their President status elevates them above the normal fan. Once, they were just another fan and admirer of their man's talent. Now, they assist him in every aspect of his personal life, including doing his laundry, cooking, and drying him off when he gets out of the tub. They aren't so much interested in promoting his talent and keeping fans in touch with his career as they are interested in getting into his pants. You'll find that this type will lie through their teeth and do all they can to push away any other fan who they feel threaten their sacred position. One day they will be exposed, perhaps when they attempt to sell off his underwear to his more deranged fans.

The Blue-Rinse Hair Brigade: The gullible teenagers may be irritating, but at the other end of the age spectrum we have this group, who prove beyond all doubt that age does not necessarily confer wisdom. Somewhere inside, those hormones are still pumping wildly, and a member of the Blue-Rinse Brigade will push all other fans aside in an effort to reach their own particular Chosen One. Get in the way and they will brandish their handbags or walking sticks at you. God help the Phantom who mistakes them for a nice motherly type. I'd swear some of them keep whips and chains in their closets. It gets even more frightening when they write out their lurid fantasies as fiction and post them to mailing lists, or worse, attempt to get them published. Run a mile.

The Really Useless Cheerleading Squad: We all admire Andrew Lloyd Webber for having created the musical that has brought us together. However, his recent actions have made most of us put that former glory to one side and consider him a money-grabbing pig with very little integrity (him, and the Really Useful Group). The sequel, the movie mess, the RUG web site forum, the anniversaries, have all taught us this. But not all of us. Somewhere out there, there remain fans who think that just because ALW wrote the show, he can do no wrong. To criticize him or the RUG for their inept, stupid or useless behavior is a crime for which the rest of us should be stoned to death. Worship at the shrine of ALW or be damned!

The Owner of the Mailing List: Ruthlessly intelligent and stunningly beautiful, these fans are the only ones who ever really have a chance in hell of seducing the leading man. Their endless knowledge of the Phantom world, combined with their natural wit and good connections, make them excellent friends - but become a bore yourself, and that's the end of you. They may be accompanied by a fierce hound such as a doberman or rottweiler, who will be instructed to bite your hand off if you get on the wrong side of these fans. There are only two notable exceptions to this type, both of whom exist in the only universe to have invented the blinking html tag. If this piece of text blinks (assuming that you don't have an ancient web browser), then the fans in this category are two of the sweetest, kindest and loveliest creatures in existence.

The Analytical Psychologist: When they post to a list or write an article, they write a thesis on it. No move is innocent, no word insignificant - all is to be analysed, all subjected to interpretation, all examined until every last meaning is squeezed out and the poor word is left gasping for breath. These fans often have a fascination for the gritty realities which would have lain behind Erik's life, including all the bad smells and diseases of 19th century Paris. Not for them escapist romance. Tolerate them, for they are as often interesting as they are tiresome.

The IRC Fan: While no doubt a crazed, but fairly harmless, fan off-line, while on IRC, this fan will do anything *but* speak about "Phantom." In fact, the individual will spurn any attempt at discussing "Phantom" on IRC, as will other IRC "Phantom" fans. (For the IRC Fan is rarely seen singly, but instead caught often in a herd.)

Please note that this is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person whether living or dead are entirely the product of hallucinogenic drugs. Please consult a doctor or have yourself arrested immediately on thinking you recognize yourself in any of these stereotypes.